By BRIAN D. WALLACE
Fairfield County Catholic,
December 2, 2006
Advent is here,
and with it comes a renewed effort by the Catholic Church to welcome
"home" for Christmas Catholics who may have drifted away or lapsed in
the practice of their faith. But what of Catholics who are divorced,
or who may have remarried outside the Church? Is the welcome mat rolled
out to them?
Isolation
and Darkness
"Divorce catapults
a person into loss of intimacy, loneliness, and a sense of disconnection,"
says Antoinette Bosco (at right), a member of Saint Marguerite Bourgeoys
Parish in Brookfield. "They feel isolation and darkness. It is a time
when many people really need to turn to God, but also feel cut off from
their Church."
Bosco's new book,
Growing in Faith When A Catholic Marriage Fails: For Divorced or
Separated Catholics and Those Who Minister with Them (Resurrection
Press), explores these and other issues at a time of the year when feelings
of loss are perhaps at their greatest.
The Christopher
Award-winning writer, national Catholic columnist, and mother of seven
weaves together her own personal experience of a failed marriage many
years ago, an enlightening summary of Church teachings, and an overview
of the spiritual needs and hopes of divorced Catholics within the Church
today.
"It's not necessarily
a book I wanted to write, but one I was asked to write," Bosco says.
"I know I could visit any Catholic parish in the country and find hurting
people facing the end of their marriage."
Searching for
Healing
In discussing the
role of faith in the lives of those who have been divorced, Bosco makes
it clear that for her and many other divorced Catholics, their relationship
to the Church is as important as their personal relationships. Based
on her many interviews, she believes that divorced and separated Catholics
are searching for a place in the Church and a healing process that enables
them to deepen their faith. Much to the surprise of those who may read
her book, Bosco found that many divorced Catholics understand the sacramental
nature of marriage and hold on to a very strong faith even as their
marriages crumble underneath them.
According to the
Catechism
of the Catholic Church, "from a valid marriage arises a bond
between the spouses which by its very nature is perpetual and exclusive
. . . in a Christian marriage the spouses are strengthened and, as it
were, consecrated for the duties and the dignity of their state by a
special sacrament" (CCC, 1638). This union, in the eyes of the
Church, is indissoluble.
Should a civil divorce
occur, spouses are encouraged to open the annulment process, speaking
with their parish priest and then working with the diocesan Marriage
Tribunal. After careful examination, the marriage may be declared null
(meaning the conditions for a sacramental marriage never truly existed),
and parties would be free to remarry, if desired.
Until this judgment,
the divorced Catholic is still officially considered to be in a sacramental
marriage. The Church's response is both compassionate and supportive:
"Toward Christians who live in this situation, and who often keep the
faith and desire to bring up their children in a Christian manner, priests
and the whole community must manifest an attentive solicitude, so that
they do not consider themselves separated from the Church, in whose
life they can and must participate as baptized persons" (CCC,
1651).
Unfortunately, many
divorced Catholics do not seek an annulment, and remarry outside of
the Church. By this action, they cannot receive Communion.
Divorce Groups
When the 78-year
old Bosco lived on Long Island in the 1960's and 70's, she worked with
local priests and lay people to help form some of the first divorce
groups for Catholics, similar to "Renew the Way" in our own diocese,
which meets on the first and third Friday of every month at Sacred Heart
University in Fairfield.
"Renew helps people
move forward in a positive, supportive way," says Betty Anne Casaretti,
director of the Family Life Ministry of the diocese.
Casaretti adds that
a new Diocesan Family Life Committee will have a subgroup on divorce.
The focus will be on clearing up misconceptions about the status of
the divorced within the Church and creating new resources for Catholics
who are divorced and separated. Nationally, the U.S. Conference of Catholic
Bishops is also launching a Pastoral Initiative for Marriage, which
will explore the impact of divorce on individuals, children, and the
family.
Without doubt, one
of the most challenging and painful aspects of the issue is the number
of divorced Catholics who are remarrying outside of the Church. In practice,
divorce from a spouse all too often means divorce from the Church, particularly
for those who have remarried without an annulment. A 2005 study found
that as many as 40 percent of Catholics (not all of them divorced) are
marrying outside of the Church.
Bosco believes that
many men and women want to return to the Church and that the Church
itself is working to welcome them back. Yet in many respects, a stigma
persists, and the Church continues to struggle with the idea that "Good
Catholics don't get divorced," or the old adage, 'You made your bed,
now lie in it."
Make no mistake
about it, says Bosco, regardless of the easy access to divorce in our
society, most people experience it as a crisis, even a death, in their
lives. "The pain is often unbelievable," she says.
Varying Responses
Bosco's summary
of conversations with the divorced across the country is revealing in
the varying responses to divorce on the part of clergy, who wrestle
with the issue on the parish level. Some Catholics have been disappointed
in the pastoral reaction, which left them feeling instantly rejected
at a time of great need. Others recount great sensitivity and compassion
on the part of many priests.
Even though the
issue is a difficult one, Bosco believes there is hope. She quotes recent
statements by the pope and many Catholic bishops and notes that more
parishes across the country are forming groups to minister to the divorced
and work to welcome them back.
In early 2005 a
new Vatican instruction on annulments, Dignitas
Connubii, provided a step-by-step guide for judges in processing
requests for annulments and applying Canon Law.
"The aim was to
avoid pointless delays but, at the same time, to ensure the outcome
is not automatic and that a serious judicial process is observed," Bosco
notes.
Papal Concern
In a meeting with
clergy and religious last July, Pope Benedict XVI spoke about the pain
of divorced and civilly remarried Catholics, saying, "Given these people's
situation of suffering, it must be studied. None of us has a ready-made
solution . . . each person's situation is differing."
The pope added that
we must keep in mind that, even though divorced and remarried Catholics
cannot receive the Eucharist, "they are part of the Church and are loved
by Christ."
Bosco recommends
that people who experience a divorce consider beginning an annulment
process with the help of their parish priest. While the last thing on
the minds of many divorced Catholics is remarriage, they may eventually
form new love relationships and seek to remarry in the Church.
"The annulment process
not only holds out the hope that this will be possible," she concludes,
"but is a step toward personal and spiritual healing."
(For more information
on Renew, the diocesan support group for divorced and separated Catholics
in the Diocese of Bridgeport, call the Pastoral Services Office: 416-1442.)
One
pastor's experience with separated and divorced Catholics
"The Holy Spirit will act again in your heart"
By BRIAN D. WALLACE
Fairfield County Catholic,
December 2, 2006
(Editor's note:
The life of a priest means ministering to the faithful of his parish,
especially married couples. Fairfield County Catholic invited the pastor
of one of the largest parishes in the diocese, Father Albert Audette
of Saint Peter Parish in Danbury, to talk about marriage, counseling,
divorce, and annulments.)
Fairfield
County Catholic:
What happens when a couple gets a divorce in your parish?
Father
Audette: I usually find out about it very soon. The party
that doesn't want the divorce comes in to save the marriage. And,
by and large, the party that doesn't come in, doesn't want the marriage
saved.
I see perhaps
three couples a month, quite a few people over a year's time. I try
to find out if the marriage is really a solid, valid marriage to begin
with. Quite often, you discover that the marriage shouldn't have happened
in the first place. There were too many expectations on one party
and not enough fulfillment by the other party. There wasn't really
a deep kind of love in the first place. Both parties don't understand
each other to begin with, on so many levels.
A nugget in the
conversation tells me this marriage was on the rocks to begin with.
The very intimacy that holds a marriage together may never have been
there. The warmth between parties drifts after the honeymoon. What
the other expected didn't materialize after months, and years, went
on.
Do
you make an attempt to help them reconcile?
In some cases,
you try to work for reconciliation by inviting the other party in.
But only one in every 20 spouses come in to see me.
When the other
person comes in, the first thing I ask is, "Do you love her or him?"
Many say, "I used to, but no more." I believe if they loved each other
at the beginning, they can find a solution. If both parties come in,
I can do some good and help find a solution.
What
do you say to individuals who have divorced, and remarried outside of
the Church?
When they come
to ask about an annulment, I ask, "Do you really love your new spouse?"
"Oh, Father, I love him or her" is the immediate answer. I then ask
if it was the same way with the first spouse, and there is usually
a long silence. Then they say, "No, I realize I never loved the first
person as much as I love my present spouse." That's when you find
out that the second marriage should have happened the first time.
Many
Catholics have mistaken impressions of annulment and the place of divorced
Catholics within the Church.
There are so many
annulment and divorce myths. One woman approached me recently and
said, "Father, I was divorced and excommunicated 30 years ago." I
explained to her that it was not the case. Others fear that annulment
means their children are considered illegitimate. We need to do a
better job of getting the truth out.
Why
do so many divorced Catholics remarry outside of the Church?
They go to other
churches where they can receive the sacraments and where they feel
more welcome.
How
do you welcome the divorced and remarried back to your parish?
Every year at
this time, I put a notice in the parish bulletin, and I ask parishioners
to share it with friends or family members who have been divorced.
I say, "Come and see me if you're divorced without an annulment" -
and it works! I don't have hundreds of people coming, but a lot of
people come in.
The greatest source
of personal interviews I have is with people with broken marriages.
Divorced
Catholics still feel rejected, unwanted, and misunderstood by their
parishes. What can we do?
Fifty years ago
you couldn't say "divorce" in a family. Divorce was a disgrace, and
we still have that remnant of thinking in our society. Young people
automatically think the Church has cut them off because they got a
divorce.
We need to get
the message out so that Catholics who get divorced have all the facts.
It's not enough to say, "Please come home." We have to reach out and
welcome people back.
I'm afraid that
Catholics by droves are leaving the Catholic Church over this issue.
If half the people who marry today get divorced, then half of the
people in our Church are wandering away. We need to shorten the time
to complete annulments, add more laymen as well as priests to the
Marriage Tribunal, and advertise in every paper to bring people back.
In this way, we
prove that we love our people.
What
is your message about the annulment process?
I can't tell you
how many annulments I've worked on in the past 15 years. In every
case, I've convinced the couple to come back to the Church and see
what we can do. I tell them that once we start the annulment process,
the Holy Spirit will act in your heart. The Holy Spirit wants to affirm
your remarriage. He wants to see you fulfilled. If the first marriage
was invalid, it was a sacrament that never really took place, and
the Spirit wants you to come to the Eucharist and find a sense of
joy.
I talk to many
priests, and so often we fail to mention the beauty of working on
an annulment. If the marriage is annulled, access to the Eucharist
is restored. That's beautiful. The Holy Spirit comes back into the
life of the divorced as they tune themselves in to the annulment process.
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