By PAT HENNESSY
Fairfield County Catholic,
December 16, 2006
A new document from the U.S. Conference of Catholic
Bishops (USCCB) reminds the Catholic faithful to welcome and
offer support to men and women who, due to same-sex attractions,
feel unwelcome or even rejected by the Church - feelings that
may heighten during the Christmas season.
Entitled "Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual
Inclination: Guidelines for Pastoral Care," the document was
drafted by the USCCB's Doctrine Committee. To read a copy of
the document in Adobe PDF, click
here.
According to the committee's outgoing chairman,
Bishop Arthur Serratelli of Paterson, NJ, the new guidelines
"help us as bishops to promote sound, effective ministry to
persons with a homosexual inclination. The Church offers a positive
message in her teaching. The Church offers hope."
Positive and Welcoming
"The tone of the document," Bishop Serratelli
continues, "is positive, pastoral, and welcoming. Its starting
point is the intrinsic human dignity of every person and God's
love for every person."
"The Church calls every person, whatever age,
background, or inclination, to the same challenge - to live
out the universal call to holiness," Bishop William E. Lori
adds. "Leading a virtuous life means self-denial and often involves
taking up the Cross, as Our Lord did."
Inclination vs. Acts
The document distinguishes between having a homosexual
inclination, which is not sinful, and engaging in homosexual
acts, which are "always objectively sinful" and represent "a
use of sexuality that does not accord with the divine plan for
creation." The Church, while condemning discrimination of any
kind, offers pastoral support to turn away from sin.
"Many virtuous people who experience same-sex
attraction are ardently striving to live their faith within
the Catholic community so as not to fall into the lifestyle
and values of a 'gay subculture,'" the document states. "The
Church's ministries are to encourage them to persevere in their
efforts through teaching, guidance, and fellowship. Primary
among these is spiritual direction from a priest."
Courage
Three years ago, Bishop Lori established the Courage
apostolate in the Diocese of Bridgeport, with Father Paul Check,
parochial vicar of Our Lady of Fatima Parish in Wilton, as its
chaplain (an interview with Father Check follows below).
With the assurance of confidentiality, individuals with same-sex
attraction gather weekly for spiritual direction, prayer, and
an opportunity for Confession.
"Courage is an important expression of the Church's
invitation to lead a chaste, peaceful, Christian life through
a greater appreciation of Church teachings," Bishop Lori says.
"This ministry demonstrates that every human being is loved
by God, and that the Church is interested in helping people
who are suffering."
One Courage participant, a devout Catholic who
has suffered from homosexual attraction since his mid-twenties,
agreed to tell his story to Fairfield County Catholic.
At his request, we have withheld his name. His is a story that
is rarely, if ever, told in the media: a man struggling to bear
his Cross out of intense love for his Catholic faith.
"It's nice to know that the Church I loved reached
out to me," he says. "The feelings made me extremely uncomfortable
and caused me great distress. I was dealing with it alone. It
was a horrific thing."
One Man's Story
The man quoted here describes growing up in a
warm, loving, Catholic family. He developed a deep faith, centered
on the Mass and the reception of the Eucharist.
At the same time, increasing fascination with
pornography introduced him to a different world, and to sexual
attractions directly opposed to his faith.
"There were times when I wanted to receive the
Eucharist, and I couldn't," he says, his voice shaking from
the intense memory. "I was so alone. From my mid-twenties to
my early thirties, I thought that I would go to my grave with
this deep, dark secret."
Throughout his lonely struggle with his sexual
identity, his closeness to the suffering Savior gave him the
most affirmation. "I thought of this as my Cross," he says.
"I identified my difficulty with the suffering of Christ."
The current cultural and political climate insists
that same-sex inclinations are normal, natural, and fulfilling.
But few young men and women who discover that they have same-sex
inclinations see it as anything but a burden.
Life
Raft
The outcome of this young man's struggle might
have been different, had he not learned of Courage,
founded by Father John Harvey, O.S.F.S., in New York City 25
years ago and now includes 90 U.S. chapters.
"It was as if I were drowning at sea and somebody
threw me a life raft," he says. "Nobody should have to face
this alone, or resort to the gay culture."
"Courage doesn't try to change us," the man explains.
"It offers us a chance to deepen our prayer life and to form
chaste friendships guided by the love of Christ. I realized
I wasn't alone any more. There were others struggling with the
same problem."
Courage, he says, has given him a new feeling
of self-esteem and confidence to stay faithful.
"Does it wipe away the samesex attractions? No,"
he admits. "But we can talk about it at meetings. I've been
able to have a friendship with other men that's not based on
sexuality. There's a freedom in that. I know myself better by
bonding with other men."
One Mother's Story
A crisis of sexual identity affects an entire
family. Learning of the same-sex attraction of their children
can be devastating to parents.
"My son told me in an e-mail," relates one mother
to Fairfield County Catholic. Her son, knowing she was
a devout Catholic, wrote, "If you are going to damn me to hell,
then it's better you don't see or talk to me for a while."
Her response came from the heart. "I told him,
'Keep yourself as close to God as you possibly can.'"
She was living at that time in another state,
and got, she says, no help from her parish priest. "When you
go to the Church for help and you don't get any - it's devastating,"
she continues.
As fate, or the hand of God, would have it, she
had to come to Fairfield County to take care of affairs after
her mother's death. The local parish bulletin carried a notice
about Courage. She called immediately.
Father Check says that the main group has an auxiliary
for families, called "Encourage." "Parents can think that this
is their fault, that they've been bad parents," he says. "They
wonder why their child is behaving this way. They also get a
lot of pressure from their children trying to persuade them
that this lifestyle is normal."
The pressure from a child in a same-sex relationship
can be excruciating, as this woman's experience shows. "My son
said, 'If you can't accept me the way I am, then I don't have
a mother,'" she recalls. "I started to think - am I wrong? Is
what he's doing normal?"
Keep the Door Open
Father Check encouraged the woman to speak to
other parents in the same situation, to go to Mass daily if
possible, and have frequent recourse to the graces and strength
of the sacraments.
"It breaks my heart that my son is alienating
himself from God," she says. "Sometimes I fall down and cry,
because I know that he is in so much pain. But Father Check
helped me to keep the door open, letting my son know that I
loved him."
With patience and endless love, she has regained
communication with her son. E-mails started coming again. "When
he has a partner, I don't hear from him," she says. "But to
this day, if he needs help, it's - 'Mom' - right away."
Resource
Pastors in this diocese see Courage as a resource,
a way to offer the consolation of God's love and not leave young
people or parents with the impression that the Church doesn't
care.
"I'm very impressed by it," says Father Chris
Walsh, pastor of Saint Joseph Parish in Shelton, who had encountered
the apostolate in Washington, D.C. "It makes concrete the theological
point that this behavior is not going to lead you to happiness,
but the Lord is going to lead you to happiness through this
Cross, just as with any other Cross."
The priest's first response, Father Walsh says,
is to listen.
"The Church's unique ministry starts where the
person is," Father Walsh explains. "The priest tries to understand
his pain and his need, as you would with any other situation.
Then you try to prevent selfdestructive behavior, urging him
to avoid what is not only wrong but is so incredibly dangerous."
Human Dignity
Because of Bishop Lori's vision in bringing Courage
to this diocese, young people and parents have the support of
the Church in a difficult time. Instead of facing a painful
situation alone, men and women can come to an understanding
of their own human dignity.
"I've made some wonderful friends, and I understand
my faith better. I understand myself better," says the man who
found a lifeline in Courage. "It's given me a sense of serenity
that the Lord loves me whatever is going on in my life, and
He inspires me in my determination to be chaste. I see myself
as being a part of Courage for the rest of my life."
(To learn more about Courage, call Father Paul
Check: 762-3928, or e-mail courage@diobpt.org.
Calls and meetings are confidential.)
Courage apostolate
in the Diocese of Bridgeport
Catholics with same-sex attraction need support
By PAT HENNESSY
Fairfield County Catholic,
December 16, 2006
Editor's note: The U.S. Catholic bishops have
issued a new document, "Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual
Inclination: Guidelines for Pastoral Care," which is available
here.
For analysis and a better understanding of Church teaching on
homosexuality, Fairfield County Catholic spoke with Father Paul
N. Check, S.T.L. (above), parochial vicar of Our Lady of Fatima
Parish in Wilton and chaplain of the diocese's Courage apostolate
for people with same-sex attractions.
Fairfield County Catholic:
You have a background in moral theology and have been working
in this field for years. What are your impressions of the new
document?
Father Check:
This is an important document. Our bishops have recognized that
there is a significant population, and their families, that
they want to address in a pastoral way.
People ask, "What does the Catholic Church have
to offer people who have a homosexual orientation?" They think
the Church offers nothing but a big "No!" That's not true. The
Church has had a strong voice - properly so - against gay marriage
and civil unions. What she offers to everyone is the truth of
grace, the truth of human condition, for people who are suffering
from this orientation.
The document brings forth the Church's teaching
with a mother's heart. Rather than being only restrictive, the
Church teaches what brings us freedom, peace, and joy.
Is the timing of this
document important?
Yes. The "Gay Lobby" gets a lot of attention from
the media. But what about those people, Catholic or not, who
want to live faithfully and peacefully in God's grace? They
know that acting on their impulse is wrong and harmful, physically
and spiritually. The Gay Lobby doesn't speak for them. They
are forgotten.
We insist on the dignity of each person as being
made in the image and likeness of God, and the dignity of baptized
Christians as disciples of Christ. A person is not his sexual
appetite. It's a component - possibly a strong one - but it's
an injustice to say that's the prism through which people have
to see them, and through which they have to see the world.
The Church teaches that you don't have to believe
that you are your appetite. That's exactly what the Gay Lobby
insists: that you are defined by your sexuality, that you were
born this way - an assertion for which there is no scientific
evidence.
The freedom to be more
than your sexual orientation is true of all people, male and
female. Is that why the bishops write, "All people, whether
married or single, are called to chaste living"?
Yes. If we look at the person of Christ, we see
that He has a deep love of each person and a deep rejection
of sin. We live in a sexually-charged society, and we do an
injustice to people if we don't hold up the virtue of chastity
to them.
Chastity is an essential virtue for all people.
We need it to love generously, not looking to our own gratification.
But homosexuals don't
have that opportunity.
The Church's teaching on sexuality is based on
human nature. We can see for ourselves, and the Book of Genesis
explains, that God created males and females. Same-sex attraction
is itself contrary to nature's design. That's not a moral judgment,
it's a truth of our humanity. God gave us the gift of sexuality
so that married men and women can express affection in a very
concrete physical way.
We're born male or female, and we grow into our
masculinity or femininity. Something can disturb that growth.
Homosexual activity is harmful; it's dangerous and leads to
sin.
Can two people of the
same sex love one another?
There can certainly be a union of hearts in a
chaste friendship, but the two cannot become "one flesh" (Matthew
19:5) in the way nature and God intend.
How does the Courage
apostolate help people with same-sex attractions?
Courage does not work for a change of sexual orientation.
Our work is moral, spiritual, fraternal. We try to help people
afflicted with same-sex attractions live a chaste, peaceful,
Christian life, supported by prayer, the sacraments, and the
fraternal love of other people.
Right now, we have several men meeting in the
Courage group here in Fairfield County. Confidentiality is guaranteed,
and only the people involved know the time and place of the
meetings. There are all kinds of misconceptions about people
with same-sex attraction; our men are from every age group,
and some are married.
Perhaps the greatest struggle these men and women
have is coping with loneliness.
What about women, and
other family members?
Statistics indicate that the overwhelming number
of people who are afflicted with homosexual tendencies are male.
We haven't had enough women yet to form a group here in Fairfield
County, although I do refer them to a group in New York and
offer individual counseling.
If families come in, we try to get them in contact
with other families facing the same situation. Families have
anxiety or fear because they don't know what has happened, and
they may blame themselves.
We put them together with other people who have
experienced this before - the good and the bad. There can be
estrangement, and it can be very, very hard. But there are ways
to disapprove of one aspect of a child's life but keep open
the door to communication. There are fruitful ways for dealing
with their child and ways that are less so. Families can share
this information together.
What do you do if a teenager
comes to you expressing a homosexual attraction?
I remind them that the Church has an exalted view
of love and human dignity. Sex is a power and a gift that God
has given to married people to join in His creation - in making
something out of nothing. But it is always in danger of being
misused because of the wound of Original Sin. We're not always
our own best guide to our sexual desires. Chastity training
has to be based on the sacredness of human love, as a reflection
of God's love.
I would also tell them that the sacraments are
vital if we desire to live a life of Christian virtue. If we're
trying to achieve God's grace, we need the sacraments. I would
encourage Confession for everyone, at a minimum, once a month.
We don't want to cheat ourselves out of the graces that Our
Lord is so eager to give us.
As a priest, what do
you do if someone comes to you admitting to a same-sex attraction?
In pastoral counseling, it's best simply to begin
by listening, to try to get a sense of what their particular
life is like. Offer to hear their Confession.
I encourage my brother priests to refer people
with same-sex orientation, and their families, to Courage. We
depend on notices in parish bulletins, and referrals from priests,
to let people know that they are not alone, that there are others
who are struggling with the same issues they are, and that the
Lord's grace is always available to them.
(To learn more about Courage, call Father Paul
Check: 762-3928, or e-mail courage@diobpt.org.
Calls and meetings are confidential.)
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